"I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, with a broken heart, that's still beating." -
Lifehouse
So, its just another day in lame ass Georgia. My parents had a bbq today, they invited
most of their friends. I've pretty much kept to myself since my boyfriend left, who by the
way is getting on my last nerves. I'm 17 years old, and hes 21. Don't judge me. I'm
writing this mostly for myself, I really just like to write, and vent. No one seems to
listen to me anymore, and writing things down keeps me sane. I'll be a senior next year,
which I'm excited and nervous about. I do relatively good in school, however I lost almost
all of my friends due to my up tight and controlling relationship. I never complained
before, but I'm starting to see the toll its taken on my life. I guess insecurity gets the
best of anyone, and hes very insecure. I feel lost in the too big world, sometimes. And
other times I feel as if I'm on top of the world, but is the feeling of loneliness worth
it? I'm not so sure anymore, and although I don't ever see me ending this relationship, it
crossed my mind sometimes, where I'd be if I never started talking to him, I'd have
friends, that's for sure. My family loves me, and I love them, but sometimes I feel like
its me against the the world. I try and talk to people, to express my feelings they all
turn their back on me, and when my parents ask me what's wrong, I smile at them and say
nothing, or I'm just tired, I don't feel good, but none of those are the correct answer.
I'm not fine, I need people to understand me, I want him to understand me, he's all I have
anymore, and I was more than willing to make that sacrifice, but it doesn't seem worth it
anymore, he never understands me. I ask him all the time if he wants to be in this
relationship, and he tells me he does, promises me he'll show it and prove it, but its
always the same things. I could cry myself to sleep, and he wouldn't even comfort me, as a
matter of fact its happened before. I was never like this, before I made him my life, and
now I feel as he knows I won't ever break it off with him, so he does what he wants. Its
getting old, as the title of this entry suggests, but I guess it never gets too old, all
the tears I shed, the mean things he does, never get too old for me to put my foot down. I
swore, after seeing so many people be in bad relationships that it would never be me, but
look at me now, I've went against everything I stood for, so now its like I'm leaning,
taking anything that comes along, with a fake smile, and a "I'm fine, really."
One day, I'll find my ground to stand on, I just hope its not too late. Because you can
lose everything, but once you lose yourself, it gets difficult to put the pieces
together.
- That's all folks. Don't judge me, and if you have shit to talk, take it somewhere else.
